I Was Late Because… (Day 59)

Well to be quite honest, i was masturbating. Yes i am a classy lady, i know! But i’m now in the only fifty something days of a year without sex and D Day is gradually getting closer, much to my dissatifaction.

I’m one of those people that is always late to everything (and only just on time to work) it’s bad i know but i swear lateness runs daily through my veins. And the thing is 3/4 of the time i’m late because i’m making myself happy down below. Not exactly something you can tell your friends.
‘Sorry i’m late picking you up for the cinema, i was just using my bullet, all’s good now, i’m at peace with the world’
But this leads me to the question of why? Everyone does it, even women. Men brag about it yet if a woman says this she will be looked at with wide eyes. It’s just something we’re not meant to talk about. It is getting slightly more socially acceptable with Ann Summers parties etc. I seem to get drunk and start telling everyone which vibrator is best, then the next day they whisper to me
‘Did you know what you said last night?’
YES I DO! AND I SHOULDN’T BE ASHAMED! Why can a man openly talk about how he would wank over certain celebrities, where as it just doesn’t sound right for a girl to say;
‘I would so masturbate over Zac Efron’
Sorry i quite like Zac Efron, not in his High Shool Musical days, but have you seen him lately?! If i ever meet him i’m pretty sure i’ll jump on him. And rip off his clothes.

I have had slightly drunk conversations with my girlfriends, most of them have boyfriends so say they don’t have a vibrator etc as they get sex regularly (why not add a bit of fun with one?!). But then there’s my single friends, who i know are lying when they say they don’t masturbate, why feel the need to deny it when i’m saying i do? I know it’s down to how we have been brought up, it’s always been socially acceptable for guys to say they do, but not girls. I’ve had completely sober conversations with girls at work who have all admitted they own vibrators, so why do some of my friends deny it? Especially when i know one or two of them own some. I guess it’s something some girls like to keep to themselves but with the closeness me and my friends have i just wonder why.

I’m not saying girls everywhere should be shouting from the rooftops that they do but a little more honesty in that department? Or maybe it’s just me who speaks freely about that stuff and most of my sexual encounters.

My first orgasm was with a vibrator, not a man. I would highly recommend owning one to any woman. This sounds cheesy but i learnt what i liked and how i liked it. You learn what your body responds to and i personally think it makes sex much better when you know your body well. A little bit of exploration never hurt anyone! I even suggested this to a friend when she was very drunk and said she has never had an orgasm before. She bought one, discovered herself and bobs your uncle! Orgasms galore!

Even women with partners, it can add a bit of spice on those nights your wanting to do something a little different. Or take for instance one of my work friends, her partner hurt his groin quite badly and couldn’t have sex for weeks. He told her to take some time in those two weeks to go upstairs and sort herself out every now and then! Thats love.

My own little motto is ‘masturbating makes everything better’ and you know what? I fully believe that. If i’m having a shit day, i feel 10 times better after. I feel so careless and at peace! If i’m knackered and don’t feel up to going on a night out at the weekend but have promised friends, it wakes me up, i feel raring to go after. The best one is doing it before a night out where i know i don’t want to make a fool out of myself with a guy (especially if i have beer goggles) i sort myself out and the sexual urge is gone for the night! That one is most likely due to the lack of any physical contact with a human being of late.

Anyway some of you might be grossed out by me talking about this, i reckon most women reading this will secretly agree. See it as you wish. I’m not trying to be crude – just to get a topic i’ve wanted to talk about for a while out there! And i can’t exactly do it on facebook. Well i don’t have the balls to do it on facebook.

Day 59 Update – Nothing what so ever apart from oggling Josh Duhammel at the cinema. Yep tonight was the night i was late to the cinema because i was making peace with the world.

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Meeting Humpty (Day 61)

Yet again it is after midnight and i have just got in from the wedding reception that preempted my fake tan situation yesterday. Well i say i just got in from the wedding reception, i left after 3 hours, sometimes they can just be a little tedious. I wasn’t drinking, even the soft drinks were overpriced and the 60 year old guy from my work that still lives with his mother was quite drunk and seemed to forget what personal space is. I normally don’t mind this whole personal space thing but when they stroke your arm because they spilt a drink down you it’s just down right creepy.

I made my excuse of ‘I’m tired and have to be up early’ and drove back to the village to join my friends at the local working mans club. This place reminds me of Peter Kays Phoenix Nights but cheap drinks and a cheerful attitude is sometimes just better. I still didn’t drink but god forbid the night i do and remember to blog, that will be interesting!

I thought i’d give you a little update on my meeting with Humpty Dumpty and Humpty Dumpy’s mum today. I didn’t slip up – called the baby a ‘she’ or ‘her’. I couldn’t lie so my lines were:
‘Aww isn’t her changing bag nice’
‘I really like her dress’
‘Her blanket is just so cute!’

The whole time i saw her all i could think of was Humpty Dumpty, and yes i do feel like a bad person for this!
I had been told that Humpty Dumpty’s mum was very clingy over her daughter and didn’t like anyone holding her so she was tested when my friend Lyla said about me,
‘Yea she was holding Beth’s baby and smashed her head against a wall’
Let me just say, yes i was holding my friend Beth’s baby a few months ago standing in a doorway, she wriggled and her head hit the door frame, only lightly though! At the time i stepped through the door to her parents looking at me with a ‘was that my child?’ expression. I had to admit it was, but the she never cried and didn’t even acknowledge it had happened! Her parents did laugh it off but my all friends like to remind me of it!
I know Lyla did this on purpose as she thinks the same as me, so when she suggested i hold the baby, Humpty Dumpty’s mums face was a picture. I wish i could take a snapshot at that precise moment in time and frame it. I was allowed and didn’t hurt the baby (thankgod). I do have to admit when she smiles it is kind of cute but i can’t shake the thought of the Puss In Boots film.

Day 62 Update – I had a conversation with 3 good looking guys at the wedding reception about dry cleaning, that is the closest man action i got today.

Although i woke up with a text from my good friend Tara this morning saying
‘I know someone that is interested in you!! xxxx’ my reply: ‘who and why?! x’
Ok so i know who she is talking about, Mr. New To The Pub guy from yesterday, but i don’t want to look keen/eager and want as much info from her as possible. Apparantly after i left he was making enquiries about me. Oh how my drunk friends bigged me up to him with such lines as
‘She’s ditzy, you’ll never have a boring day with her, you’ll be laughing all the time’
Thank you friends! I will admit i’m ditzy, i have a tendency to speak before i think which leads to stupid things coming out of my mouth, but i can laugh at my own stupidity and i know i do it so i guess everyone’s a winner. I entertain others and myself without actually meaning to!
He also would have come out tonight to ‘get to know me better’ (his words) but i was at this blasted wedding recption. Bloody typical!

Anyway it seems like everyone in my circle of friends knows as tonight many people told me they heard i had pulled last night. I didn’t even speak to the guy! Now if i ever do meet him again i will feel even more awkward, i know they’re doing it as they are routing for me, i’m one of the only singles in the group but it just puts pressure on me!
Beth (owner of the child whose head i ‘smashed into a wall’) summed it up for me nicely saying
‘You can’t just be ignoring these guys or brushing them off, it’s nearly been a year!’

Somehow i don’t think i needed reminding…

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Fake Tan Lesson (Day 62)

Like an idiot tonight i learnt my fake tanning lesson. Good tip here, if you put on a fake tan that gets darker over time DO NOT put it on just before you go out. I was a nice colour when i left my house earlier, a few hours later down the pub someone asked if i’d been on holiday. I went to the loo to check my tannedness out (yea it’s a word, well one in my dictionary) i was brown but not too bad. By the end of the night dear god i looked like i was from another race. In fact right now i don’t feel caucasian at all. It’s one of those ones that develops and you wash it off in the morning, i thought i’d be ok! I’ve got a wedding reception tomorrow and before the fake tanning session earlier the sun could reflect off my skin, not such a good look, especially with bright red hair.

Anyway i’m pretty sleepy and have to meet an old friends baby for the first time tomorrow. I honestly don’t know how i’m going to cope. I’ve seen pictures on facebook and this baby looks like a grandad – and it’s a girl. I hope she’s wearing a dress else i’m going to slip up and call ‘it’ a him. I’m dreading this.

You know when you see babies? Some are adorable, some are just alright but you think they’ll get better looking as they get older? Well this baby is neither of those two. I have never said this about someone’s child before and i feel pretty mean but it reminds me of Humpty Dumpty from the Puss In Boots movie. I’m genuinely not joking (and no i didn’t put the picture of humpty dumpty next to a picture of this baby to prove it to my friend… I’m going to have to try my hardest not to offend anyone tomorrow.

Day 63 Update – Still not spoke to Mr. Player, he’ll be out of the picture for a while. Tonight down my local however, there was a new person! Oooh new person! When you live in a village this small a new person is like seeing that bit of pepper that somehow got on your chicken and mushroom pizza… They stick out like a sore thumb. Anyway i knew the guy who he was with and some of my friends knew him. His brother was in my year at school (through school i always thought his brother was pretty good looking). I said hi and spoke to them for a bit and carried on the evening in my own little world drinking my diet coke and singing McFly – Star Girl on kareoke. I can’t sing and i was sober, i well and truly have balls. One of my guy mates told me i’d pulled without even knowing, referring to this guy. This situation just makes me uncomfortable. Now if i know others know something like this i feel like it’s a setup and they will be willing me on and watching every move i make or listening to anything i say to this guy. So my best reaction at times like these is to not talk to said person. Sure i glance over and see if he’s looking my way (he was every time i looked, makes you feel good about yourself!) but i just can’t do it! I’f no one had said anything i may have spoke to this guy, exchanged numbers or something, but nope. Oppurtunity missed? Yes. Oh well i’ll learn to live another day! And possibly learn how to speak to men.

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Loo Roll Gate (Day 63)

I’m currently in post bingo depression. I won nothing! I’d say i’m crap at bingo but it’s all about luck, and i’m the unluckiest person you will ever meet. I’m hating on bingo right now. There’s also something about those quiet bingo halls that turns me into a child. Giggling when the number 69 is called and laughing inappropriately. Oh those regular oldies were giving me the death stare for most of the night.

I can easily prove i’m one of the unluckiest people you’d meet – i’ve broke me ankle 3 times! Once whilst walking. I think it takes an unlucky person to break your ankle whilst walking. God knows how i did it but i’m now a pro as i have sprained both round about 15 times.

The last time i broke my ankle was a pretty funny sight. I’d been sunbathing in a field with some mates, when leaving i ran down a mound that was smaller than i am (i’m 5ft 2 and 1/2 – i like to think the half makes the difference) and managed to break my ankle. Now knowing what a broken ankle feels like from the 2 previous times i knew i had broke it, but oh no, my mates thought i was being a massive drama queen and overreacting. It was the hottest day of the year, i couldn’t walk and was in a bikini. GREAT! And to make matters worse we were 10 minutes away from the nearest house. Luckily there was a small supermarket by the housing estate. Not being able to walk and in a lot of pain my mates went to get help. After half an hour of trying to get somewhere i had blisters on my hands from shuffling along the floor as the pavement was so friggin hot. I then see my friends appear around the corner…
with a trolley and a bag of peas – no ambulance, no hot paramedic – frozen goodies and a sort of method of transport.

Now i don’t know if you’ve ever tried getting into a trolley with both legs fully functioning but it isn’t easy. The task of getting me into a trolley when i had one leg working and non participating hands would appear on You’ve Been Framed if someone had been filming. Eventually i managed to get into the trolley and my mates wheeled me, with my leg sticking out of the trolley somehow balancing a bag of peas on my ankle, to the supermarket where i got picked up and taken to hospital.

Someone was wise enough to take a picture which i now treasure and laugh at what i’m down – i’d post it but i’m staying anonymous! Maybe one day i will.

This bad luck also takes place in the form of ridiculously embarrasing moments. One so bad it has been dubbed ‘loo roll gate’ and i get reminded of it often.
I’ll set the scene… I’m in a nightclub with a friend, Mr. Hot Guy from work who i was trying to impress and a few of his friends. Feeling good, having a dance, we’ve flirted a bit – the nights going well. And then i go to the toilet, unknowingly a very bad mistake on my part. I’ve done my business and checked myself over in the mirror. All is A OK! I head to the dance floor. Five minutes later one of Mr. Hot Work Guys friends says something to my mate. I’m thinking ‘ooh maybe he’s saying something about me and Mr. Hot Work Guy.’ I couldn’t have been more wrong. The whole time i had been on the dance floor i had toilet roll stuck to me – no not from my shoe, from my tights, hanging down right there like a white paper tail. THE EMBARRASSMENT! And i couldn’t pull it all out! I had to run to the loo’s and sort myself out!

How it got there i have no idea, well obviously from when i went to the toilet before but i have tried many scientific experiments since to figure out how it got stuck in the back of my tights the way it did. Never have i been able to work this out. I’m definitely one of a kind. I think the most embarrasing part of ‘loo roll gate’ was when i eventually put on a brave face and came out of hiding, Mr. Hot Work Guys first words to me were ‘did you have a nice shit?’
Oh the shame! I can confirm nothing happened with me and Mr. Hot Work Guy after that. He was left with a hilarious story to tell my work mates, i was left with shame and for weeks upon end my friends coming out of the pub toilets with loo roll hanging from their jeans in hope i would see. Or that someone else would see so they could explain the meaning behind the loo roll fiasco.

I had a similar incident recently which is now included in the top two most embarrassing things that have happened to me. Also involving coming out of a toilet in a club. You’d think i’d learn!

I was wearing a little flowy skirt with a see-through lace layer on the top and a silky material underneath. Yep, the silky under layer got lucked into my tights. I was wearing those fake suspender tights so the tights at the top of my legs were clear. For a good 10 minutes everyone could see my bum in all it’s glory. It wasn’t until a lovely lesbian came along and told me. She said her and her girlfriend were trying to work out if my skirt was that short or if it had got tucked in. I was mortified. I wouldn’t leave the spot i was standing in or turn around to see who had witnessed this skirt gate fiasco.

They say things come in three’s, i’m dreading what will happen next.

Day 63 Update – No contact with Mr. Player today, i will most likely not hear from him for 2ish weeks and get a text out of the blue when he’s bored. Thinking i may need to change my strategy or develop a game plan.

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I Want To F**K Your Hair (Day 64)

Red Hair Ruins Lives. Well i may be over exaggerating a little (or a lot) but it certainly ruins everything it touches and causes problems you’d never think you’d have. The amount of times when staying at a hotel i have hidden pillows so i haven’t been charged for ruining hotel bedding is ridiculous. My hair likes to shed it’s redness in the night. And in the shower. And on my Gym towel, actually on any towel. And on my face.

Yes, i said on my face. If my hair is on the side of my face when sleeping (most nights) i wake up in the morning and the side of my face is stained a pinky red colour! Now you would think surely that’s easy to get off? Well it is, however if you’re me here comes the catch 22. When you scrub skin it goes red. When you scrub red/pink stain off your face your skin goes red – meaning i have no idea if i have got the stain from the side of my face! I walked around half of the day today with a pink forehead without realising. Very attractive!

And for the best fact of all – when i’m in the gym and i sweat, my sweat is red. Full on bright red. Now i’m starting to realise why i may not have a boyfriend…

Anyway even though i moan about it ruining practically everything, i love it! I like to remind people how i had red hair before Cheryl Cole did and started this whole trend! Obviously Cheryl just wanted to be me.
I’ve always liked to be a little different, not massive statement making different but wearing that something a little bit different that not everyone will own etc, and bright red is not your average hair colour. I know it’s massively more popular now but i’m the only red in the village!

Despite having had my hair like this for a while last weekend i got a fair few comments about it. These are two of my favourite/most awkward moments.
One guy introduced himself and then said,
‘I want to fuck your hair.’
Oh why thank you kind sir, you want to fuck my hair? What a lovely compliment. Not me though? No i’m really not having a dry spell or anything and you tell me you want to fuck my hair? Probably the only part of me that doesn’t have any feelings towards sex. Now that i would’ve loved to have said but the first thought in my head? ‘It would be sticky’ Then came my dumbstruck reply, it was along the lines of
‘ermmmmmmm thanks?’
He countinued to talk about fucking my hair. Just my hair.

The next guy told me for about 10 minutes how i should be called red riding hood and that i am Ariel from the little mermaid. He also explained very drunkenly/pretty sure drugged up that he’s seen people with red hair before but not pretty people and i am the first pretty girl with red hair that he had ever seen. He then proceeded to hug me, i was kept in this hug for about 2 minutes but it seemed like a lifetime, and not for good reasons. Whilst hugging me and may i add not letting go, he was repeating
‘I know your feeling really awkward aren’t you’.
Yes i am feeling awkward and giving my friends the ‘rescue me now or i will kill you with my death stare’ look.
They found it hilarious and didn’t rescue me.
Now i would be flattered by these comments, but coming from the druggie of the village? I’m not so sure!

These two men right here are prime examples of why i will not sleep with anyone in my village! Talking of sleeping with people I dread the day i may possibly actually get sex… For their sake i hope their bedding is dark.

Day 64 Update – Small update today. No further progress whatsoever. Still texting Mr. Player, we had a riveting conversation this morning about the alarm sounds we wake up to…

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It’s A Booty Call (Day 66)

This was technically written on the 25th so if your in the UK you will be getting 2 blog posts from me in the same day, lucky you! I really need to start writing these at a respectable time. More respectable than midnight.

Day 66 – Not much progress. I’ve still been speaking to Mr. Player, unsure about this strategy though. If he invites me over I would love to make a stand and say no (this stand would only be in my head as no one else would know) but I don’t think I can take much more. Especially if it’s being offered to me. Saturday night would have been a booty call, I think we both knew that but wouldn’t say it outright. I quite like the term booty call, no idea why but I’ve never been a ‘booty call type person’ I’m starting to think I should give it a go at least once in my life! Just to say
‘I’m gonna make a booty call!’
Slightly exciting? No? Just me then!
See this is why I need some action, I’m finding the term ‘booty call’ exciting. Oh dear.

Come to think of it do people actually use the term ‘booty call’ these days? Or has this been replaced with the term ‘fuck buddy’? If it has I’m unsure why, booty call sounds much more classier if you put the two terms in the same sentence and compared them.

‘I’m just going to make a booty call.’
‘I’m just going to call my fuck buddy.’

This is what the people of this generation do, (most likely my generation) they make it sound 10 times more crude than it needs to be! Now I’m not the classiest of ladies but in the future I shall be using the term booty call. I mean come on, if Destiny’s Child sang about it, it’s got to be classy…

The closest action I have had this weekend was last night, seeing 5 well groomed boy/men very close by – I took my niece to see the One Direction concert. I am the cool aunty that does things like this. I love being the cool aunty! Even if it means sitting through One Direction. This is why I didn’t write a blog last night (another ‘sorry sir I didn’t do my homework’ excuse) as I got in at 1am!

Now many people will hate me for saying this but I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it much more than I should have, but I’m brave and putting it out there! I’m surprised I didn’t realise this would happen after the One Direction gym motivation incident. I know I need to get me some as I found a few of them mildly attractive. Someone slap me now!

Today’s Lessons – Use the term Booty Call. Stay away from One Direction

(Shorter than normal today as I’m still tired and it’s 20 to 1!)

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Mr. Player (Day 67)

Firstly i’m annoyed at myself! First week of blogging everyday – i go 5 days and don’t blog for 2! I feel like a kid that’s not done their homework and skived school for two days because of it. However i do have a valid excuse – i’ve been ill. With a migraine ill so i couldn’t stand looking at anything bright. If it were cold/flu ill i’d be on my laptop 24/7!
All better now anyway so lets get on with it….

Day 67 – I occasionally text this guy who is a bit of player. We mainly text when he’s obviously bored or i want a bit of attention as i haven’t had any for a while (i’m admitting it, it’s always nice for a bit of male attention, makes you feel good!). I’ve never kissed or done anything with this guy as i put up a mental stand to players, but he has tried in the past. I just don’t want them to get their own way! They think they can get any girl in the world and these girls make it so easy for them. Their libido grows as they are getting the girls, they then become more cocky, which some girls love and it grows into a vicious cycle. A cycle in which only the guy comes out winning. The girl usually gets attached emotionally even if she said she won’t and will most likely drunk text the guy the next weekend. The guy doesn’t get attached as he’s used to shagging everything with a pulse without generating feelings. I’m not talking about guys in general, just the player types. I may even be wrong, but to me if your going around getting with that many girls and not giving two shits about them after, your not going to develop feelings for them as it’s one this week, one the next. But then again the girls are putting themselves into that situation.

An example of the girl getting a little attached to the player is when i was waiting for a taxi with some friends after a night out and was talking to Mr.Player (lets call him that shall we) he was bragging about how many girls he’d got with that night. Mind you he didn’t need to brag, he was giving me figures after each girl he kissed that night. Also he made me watch his ‘technique’ of chatting up and pulling a girl. The one i watched didn’t go very well, i got bored and walked off after a few minutes! Whilst waiting he showed me texts he was getting at that moment in time. It was about 3am and this drunk girl was texting him saying ‘i want you badly’ ‘come round and fuck me’ etc etc. Now if i’d have sent those messages, when i’d wake up in the morning i would be thinking
‘THE SHAME! I NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN! I WILL GET PLASTIC SURGERY JUST SO I NEVER HAVE TO FACE HIM AND HIM KNOW ITS ME!’
It’s bad enough sending the ‘accidental texts’ when drunk – you know those ones where you just want to walk to them without looking eager, so you send them something random and pretend it was for someone else just to get a conversation out of them (yes guys alot of girls do this if you’ve ever wondered!)
But a text like that? Hell i would become a recluse for a month just to get over the shame and possibility of bumping into whoever i’d sent it to.

Anyway the whole time i’ve been writing this i have been texting Mr.Player, at 1:30 (morning here) he suggested as we’re both wide awake why don’t i come round for a caffeine party, i joked around offering to bring coffee cup shaped decorations then said i’m rubbish at making decisions as i’m comfy but wide awake. The real decision going on in my head was, i’ll get sex, but driving round his at this time of night looks a bit desperate and i don’t want him thinking i’ve gone round there because i think he’s amazing, because i actually don’t. I decided at 2am that i didn’t care, i’d be using him for sex the same way he’d be using me (very very classy but the guys alright, we get on, i know he won’t kill me, and we all know i am desperate for sex) but it was too late! ARGGHHHHHH he decided he’d be half asleep by the time i got round. Now i’m pissed off for missing my opportunity! And pissed off at him for changing his mind, when it’s not even his fault, he doesn’t know what i’m going through. I’m so gutted! Opportunity missed, what a fool!

I know i’m being a total hypocrite in debating going round there at stupid hours, but i’m not looking for love or a relationship, i’m going travelling in just under a year. I don’t know if i would be strong enough to leave out any emotion but i think i have a strong guard up knowing i don’t want anything that i could do it and be alright, not act like a crazy mofo after. Look i’m trying to justify myself – probably what the girls do that i’ve just been talking about. I guess time will tell with this one. But as classy as it sounds, i’m pretty sure if it came to 1 day left of my nearly sexless year i could text him and get some. This is what lack of sex turns me into. Showing my desperation!

It’s now 3am and we’re still texting…. grrrr.

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At Least Take Your Ring Off. Idiot (Day 70)

(Day 70 – No progress what so ever, apart from swooning over Justin Timberlake on the BRIT Awards. Oh he’s still got it)

It seems like im surrounded by cheaters at the moment. I am so against cheating and so many people i know are doing it!

Even with my disgust at cheating i once kissed a married man. Now before you judge i didn’t know at the time, which isn’t an excuse, it makes me disgusted at myself and him for cheating on his wife! I hate that i was involved in this! I was at a club about half a year ago, got chatting to this guy, he bought me a few drinks and we headed to the dance floor to throw some mad shapes. One thing lead to another and we were kissing. Now miraculously i heard my friend shouting my name and pointing at her hand. Drunk and confused i headed over to her and asked what on earth was she playing at ruining my magical moment? What she said certainly made me realise my magical moment wasn’t so magical and made me hate myself! She told me to look at his left hand and the rings on it. The idiot of a man was married! And still had his wedding ring on! I feel so sorry for his wife who probably knows nothing. I don’t agree with cheating but if you’re going to cheat at least do it right and take off your wedding ring! What an absolute tool. Also if someone is chatting you up you don’t think to look at their fingers for rings. I have kept this in mind and now check. I didn’t go back to him and left the club drunkenly expressing my feelings in the following way:

‘What have i done? i hate cheaters! I’ve committed blasphemy!’
‘oh wait it’s not blasphemy is it? What’s the word?’
*Gets out phone and googles ‘what is it called when your married and cheat on someone?’*
‘I’VE HELPED SOMEONE COMMIT ADULTERY!’

Oh i love my drunkenness sometimes.

There was another time at about 3am after a night out. I was in a hotel lobby and started chatting to this guy, like i said before i chat to anyone, and when i’m drunk this confidence of stranger talking grows. By the way i was staying at the hotel with some friends as we were away for the weekend, i’m not a prostitute. Although that way i’d get sex, pft. Anyway i got chatting to this guy, our rooms were on the same floor so we ended up riding the lift up 8 floors together – no, that’s not a euphemism. He asked if i wanted to go back to his room, young free and single i said yeah why not. For some strange reason (which ruined his night) he asked if i had a boyfriend. My reply was obviously ‘no’ and i asked if he had a girlfriend. I was not expecting him to say yes. Immediately i turned in the opposite direction and left him yelling at me;
‘my girlfriend will never know, it’s a bit of fun’.
Oh my god. Really? You expect me to go back to your room when you have told me you have a girlfriend?

What is with these men? Why do i seem to attract them? I’ve thought about this on many occasions and decided it’s either my red hair or my boobs. I can’t decide which. I don’t have a sign above my head flashing saying ‘I HATE CHEATING BUT IF YOUR IN A RELATIONSHIP COME TALK TO ME’. So why?! It’s a question that will never be answered.

So… My cheating friends
One of my friends is getting married in 3 months time and at the moment is having a full blown affair with a guy from a band that she met 2 months ago. She’s still going ahead with the wedding yet saying the way she feels about this new guy she has never felt before! Why go ahead with it then?! It will either end in divorce or an affair for the rest of their married life.
– Another of my friends was recently in Mexico at her sisters wedding. The day before the wedding her sisters husband-to-be confessed his undying love for my her and will not leave her alone. This guy was making comments by the pool about how good she’d look naked, WOW. Predatory and obvious! I do not see this ending well.
– A close friend of mine recently lost his girlfriend to his best friend. His now ex mrs and ex best mate are engaged after 3 months of being together (god knows how long they’d been sleeping together before). His cure? Sleep with every girl going in the village.
– My best friend was seeing a guy, slept with him the Friday night, met another guy she decided she loved at a party on the Saturday night and slept with him that night. This was not a wise move as she later found out she had chlamydia and had to tell each of these guys! And as well as her ex who she spent a night with whilst he was cheating on his girlfriend.

IM SURROUNDED! I thought this stuff only happened in soaps. I lecture and lecture but people don’t listen. Although i’m kinda glad my friend got chlamydia as it taught her a lesson. Also whenever the mention of an STI comes up her face is a picture. It’s brilliant.

Todays Lesson: Don’t cheat. Especially if you have an STI.

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I Have 70 Days

Day 71 (Tomorrow is day 70, thats where my countdown really begins)

Today i thought about sex alot. Well the lack of sex i’m currently having. Or not having. I’m not quite sure which is the correct term. I previously said i will not go a year without sex, this is my new years resolution and by god i have never wanted to fulfil my new years resolution so much in my life! I worked out when i last actually had sex. The date and everything, 27th April 2012 and i could give you every little detail like it were yesterday, but i won’t – some things a girl needs to keep private!

With my aparant sadness of being able to remember the date it reminded me of those 2 glorious weeks on holiday where i met Johnny the Rep. As i’m going travelling and wasn’t going on holiday last year to save money my parents offered to take me on holiday with them for free. So like the cool 22 year old i was i went on holiday with my close to being retired parents (I’m sorry but no matter how old you are you will never turn down a free holiday!). Not exactly the same as the alcohol fuelled holidays with friends i’d had the previous years, I managed to get the balance just right – spend the day with the parents, go to the bar/club on site in the evenings. This is where i met Johnny. I can happily talk to a bunch of strangers but was struggling to find an english speaking person. Turns out the first person with an English accent i hear, i manage to bed. And yep, we were on a campsite in the south of Spain! You may find this funny but i tell you what, the reps there are bloody sex animals! It’s ridiculous! And as the campsite was empty as it was the beginning of the season there were many empty tents and ‘luxury mobile homes’ you could take your pick of and sneak into so you had a bed to do the dirty deed. I understand this is a bit gross in hindsight but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do!

Before those 2 weeks of full on evening pleasure i hadn’t had sex in 8 months. I seem to go through a stint of no sex for 7-8 months then have sex, go through another 7-8 months stint and so on. God knows why but seemingly out of practise there came a day at the end of the first week when i just couldn’t take having sex anymore, i had to have a break (a break that consisted of one day). Not skill wise out of practise but muscles wise! I would be going on bike rides during the day and being ridden like a bike in the evenings! It was a struggle to walk! My leg muscles just weren’t made for such a long dry spell then full on sex for 3 hours a night! Oh yes, i made sure if i was getting it i was taking full advantage. (I don’t mean anal by the way!)

Considering there has been a pattern with my sex life i was fully expecting to bed someone a few months ago, to my suprise (and disappointment) this didn’t happen. Utter RUBBISH! So today after counting the date i last fumbled around in a ‘Luxury Static Mobile Home’ i have given myself 70 days to bed someone… I’m not a slag/slut and i know i sound desperate but for my peace of mind i need to do this! All my guy friends are in relationships, i don’t do one night stands with guys i meet in town so i’m a bit stuck. It sounds hypocritical as i said i don’t do one night stands but i’ve found myself looking through the ‘casual encounters’ section on Craigslist. All would be fine and dandy as long as i don’t get murdered. I’ll see what happens with that, but i know the sex won’t just come to me (ha, ‘the sex!’)

I wonder if anyone ever found the sock i lost in one of the tents we sneaked in to… Maybe i should have left a note?

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To ID, Or Not To ID? That Is The Question

A question that i wish the answer was TO NOT ID! I think someone in the heavens above just wanted to irritate me this evening. I don’t know what i’ve done wrong, i like to think i’m quite a good person. I drive just over the speed limit but not too fast, i like to recycle (mainly diet coke cans) and i go to church when there’s a marriage or christening, that’s at least once a year. Mind you i could list my bad habbits but they would vastly outweigh the good. We don’t want to get started on them! Or maybe i should in a blog entry soon? I could try and improve myself…. Or not.

Anyway, i’d had a nice evening playing netball, breaking a nail, not being able to shoot because the heat radiating from my forehead mixed with the freezing air steamed up my glasses causing temporary blindness (i got a few goals though after moaning that i need contacts and taking off my glasses). After netball i went to my local village shop. I won’t mention a brand but it rhymes with lo-op, if you figure that out i’ll a give you a brownie point. I got a can of diet coke and some wine after not finding anything i fancied for lunch this week. I walked to the counter and put my two items down. The young child behind the till, must be new as i didn’t recognise him, scans through my diet coke perfectly fine… And then the inevitable happens. He asks for my ID. Now i usually have my ID with me anywhere i go but tonight is the first night in a very long time i don’t have it on me. With shock/amusement i tell him i don’t have it and i’m 23, i get served here all the time without anyone asking. I then point to the lady working with him, who may i add has served me alcohol and seen my ID ON SEVERAL BLOODY OCCASIONS! I say in a slightly scared childlike voice, which probably doesn’t help my case ‘she’s served me, she knows’ this woman then approaches me and in the most monotone voice (which irritates me even more) says ‘no love we need ID’. ARE YOU ACTUALLY JOKING ME THIS IS RIDICULOUS! UNFAIR! A BREACH OF HUMAN RIGHTS! Ok so maybe i’ve gone a little too far with that.

After a few minutes of standing there amusingly pissed off and not being able to prove my 23 years of existence (i would have thought my boobs would of swayed the little 18 year old but obivously not) with irritation, i left. Just me and my can of diet coke.

My irritation isn’t the fact that i didn’t get my wine (i’m really not an alcoholic, honest) it’s the whole principle, she’s served me before without asking for my ID! This lady is now classed as ‘an upper class twat’ in my books. Yes congratulations love you have hit the big time! Next time if you serve me without asking for my ID i will be sure to kick up a fuss and wave my ID around like ‘an upper class twat!’

My life lessons learnt today? Take your ID everywhere. And get contacts.

Apologies for the rant. The swear words seem to fly out of my mouth when i’m irritated. Mainly the word twat.

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